Tennants Part 2

Dear Nurse Alt

My friend came to you with her 'little problem' and you made it worse! How could you? She's a junky, she gets cranky when she doesn't get her fix, and then YOU introduced her to even more hardcore stuff. She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, all she does is find ways to feed her addiction.

And those 'support groups' you encouraged her to attend, they are just groups of people just like her and all they do is swap stories about where to get more merchandise!

I hope you're proud of yourself

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up

Have you ever considered that maybe you're the one with the 'little problem?' Your friend has an addiction, but she is happy. Like all addicts she doesn't have a problem because she is getting what she needs. You are the one who has the problem with what she is doing. 

You need to support her, look after her, provide comfort for her when her addiction makes her sad. If you are a proper friend then you wont mind her non stop conversations about her addiction, instead you'll just gently encourage her to draw breath long enough to eat.

You should also do research on her addiction, make sure you know ALL the facts about it, otherwise how can you show her you understand? I can guarantee you that if you cant at least keep up with the conversation any good advise you have will not be listened to. This is the way of addiction, addicts will only listen to other addicts, reformed addicts, and experts. So pick which one of those 3 you want to be and become it.

You also sound very stressed. I think you need to start taking some vitamins to maintain your health for the long road ahead. It is hard being the friend of an addict, you need to keep your strength up. I suggest getting some little brown vitamins called coloxyl & senna and taking one every time you feel your friend's addiction is becoming too much to bear. They will cause you to relax and cleanse your thoughts.

And yes, I am proud of myself, your friend now knows she's not alone in her addiction. This is important for her path to enlightenment recovery.

Nurse Alt

Tennants Part 1

Dear Nurse Alt

I seem to have acquired a Tennant problem. I cant stop obsessing about it. I find myself researching more and more about it and downloading all the information I can find. Help me, I think I'm addicted.

Obsessed

Dear Obsessed

What can I say, you need to see the Doctor. And lots of him. But not to worry, there are places you can go to talk to others about your addiciton. Like minded people, support groups, and just quietly, dealers. Here are some:
Information portal
Support group
'Merchandise'

For people who are happy in their addiction

I believe the correct way to introduce yourself is:

My name is _______ and I have a Tennant addiction, it has been about 15 seconds since I last had a fix.

However I want to stress that this is a healthy addiction to have, and you should embrace it. In fact I think you should introduce others to it. You never know, they may just like it.

Nurse Alt

Insomnia Part 1

Dear Nurse Alt

I am having real troubles sleeping. I am severely stressed out about work and money. I'm supposed to be saving to go on holiday but I haven't been able to do extra work because I'm so stressed and not sleeping. What can I do?

Needs Sleep

Dear Needs Sleep

Have you ever heard about the wonderful world of valium? Amazing drug, you don't even have to count out the tablets, just shake some into your hand and swallow. 

And I think you need a herbal tonic to help with your stress levels. The one I'd recommend is very good for you, it has juice of the orange, concentrate of pomegranite, and a special medicinal plant extract in it. The fruit juices give you vitamin C for your immune system, and vitamin B for vitality. And the plant extract encourages enzymes from your liver, and decreased muscle tension in your head causing less headaches, it also relaxes the whole body relieving stress. I think you should start taking this tonic on a regular basis, 3 or 4 times a day if you can. It's called a tequila sunrise.

Now onto the work situation. Once your tensions are sorted with the tonic from above, I think the problems at work should disappear. All it takes is a new perspective. And you'll find the view from the other side of the glass is less stressful. You should also start applying for another job. Lets face it, the one you've got isn't right for you.

Finally, money. You are aware that you are a human right? That makes you eligible to work in the exciting and ever changing industry of human to human contact. That's right, people will pay for your company if you are just willing to make yourself look nice. This will solve all your money problems and let you go on that holiday you so desperately want. I would recommend increasing your intake of the tonic though as the work can get a little boring, but that's ok, the customer is buying.

Nurse Alt

Gardening Part 2

Dear Nurse Alt

I hate gardening, why do weeds want to grow in my garden? Why can't my husband pull said weeds like he's supposed to? I've just spent hours weeding and I just know it will all grow back again, how can I make it stop?

Weeded Out

Dear Weeded Out

So many questions, where do I start? Firstly, weeds grow in your garden because you let them. You need to be firm with them and stop them from growing there, otherwise you're just reinforcing their behaviour and they will not only continue to grow, but become more out of control, soon you will have them growing in your house. The first principal of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is that you need to set firm boundaries and then stick to them. If you tell the weeds that they can't grow in your garden, and then don't punish them when they do then they will just ignore you if you threaten them later.

Next, how to stop them coming back. As it is now probably too late to use CBT, have you considered medication? I would start with a daily dose of Isopropylamine salt of N-(phosphonomethyl)glycine. Try that for a week and then if you do not see results then its time to try a much more effective form of medication. However, i must warn you that this stronger medication has many side effects and should only be used under the supervision of a professional. Its called fire.

If however medication does not appeal to you, then there are less traditional methods. The least time consuming is to plant juniperus as a ground cover. This plant grows as a thick mat and does not allow room for weeds to grow but more importantly, it will provide you with juniper berries. Can I suggest a gold version of this plant? Its quite pretty.

And from these wonderful berries you can make an incredibly medicinal tonic that you can use to keep yourself healthy and happy. The English call it gin.

Finally, your husband. I have assumed that you do the inside duties and he does the outside, is that correct? I believe the reason he does not do the weeding is that he is not being given the right nutrition to perform such strenuous actions. I think a nice cold sports drink will encourage him to perform his duties at full capacity. My favourite is called Movicol. It contains lots of necessary electrolytes and isomers. It comes as a powder in a pre-measured sachet. Just pour it into a glass of cold water, stir til dissolved and add a splash of cordial for flavour. After just a few of these I am sure he will have enough incentive to help with the gardening.

Nurse Alt

Gardening Part 1

Dear Nurse Alt

Today I was gardening and I got a blister, I also got scratches on my arms and hands, and something bit me. Should I be worried? What should I do?

Not So Green Thumb

Dear Not So Green Thumb

There are many evil and harmful bacteria that grow in Australian soils and all of them can cause horrendous cellulitis and cellular deterioration leading to abscesses and amputations. Necrotising Fasciitis and Gas Gangrene are also possible outcomes. And lets not forget Legionaires Disease from the soil improver.

Then of course there's the simple fact that half the small crawly things in Australia are highly venomous. You should probably go to the hospital.

Have you finished hyperventilating yet? You are fine, all you need to do is wash your hands. If you are still feeling like you need medical attention can I suggest you grab a bottle of lactulose and take 30mL every hour until you no longer notice the scratches on your arms. Lactulose is well known for its ability to drawn toxins out of the body, this will prevent you from getting any nasty infections. I also suggest resting your fingers, so no typing for a while, especially not to me.

Nurse Alt