Gardening Part 2

Dear Nurse Alt

I hate gardening, why do weeds want to grow in my garden? Why can't my husband pull said weeds like he's supposed to? I've just spent hours weeding and I just know it will all grow back again, how can I make it stop?

Weeded Out

Dear Weeded Out

So many questions, where do I start? Firstly, weeds grow in your garden because you let them. You need to be firm with them and stop them from growing there, otherwise you're just reinforcing their behaviour and they will not only continue to grow, but become more out of control, soon you will have them growing in your house. The first principal of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is that you need to set firm boundaries and then stick to them. If you tell the weeds that they can't grow in your garden, and then don't punish them when they do then they will just ignore you if you threaten them later.

Next, how to stop them coming back. As it is now probably too late to use CBT, have you considered medication? I would start with a daily dose of Isopropylamine salt of N-(phosphonomethyl)glycine. Try that for a week and then if you do not see results then its time to try a much more effective form of medication. However, i must warn you that this stronger medication has many side effects and should only be used under the supervision of a professional. Its called fire.

If however medication does not appeal to you, then there are less traditional methods. The least time consuming is to plant juniperus as a ground cover. This plant grows as a thick mat and does not allow room for weeds to grow but more importantly, it will provide you with juniper berries. Can I suggest a gold version of this plant? Its quite pretty.

And from these wonderful berries you can make an incredibly medicinal tonic that you can use to keep yourself healthy and happy. The English call it gin.

Finally, your husband. I have assumed that you do the inside duties and he does the outside, is that correct? I believe the reason he does not do the weeding is that he is not being given the right nutrition to perform such strenuous actions. I think a nice cold sports drink will encourage him to perform his duties at full capacity. My favourite is called Movicol. It contains lots of necessary electrolytes and isomers. It comes as a powder in a pre-measured sachet. Just pour it into a glass of cold water, stir til dissolved and add a splash of cordial for flavour. After just a few of these I am sure he will have enough incentive to help with the gardening.

Nurse Alt